8:00 – Wake up to the sounds of the ocean. Cabin boy has delivered fresh fruit and avocado-y ceviche. Night table mini-fridge stocked with champagne, fresh strawberries and orange juice.
9:00 – Make love. Ooh-lala.
9:07 – Already showered. Husband hands me espresso. We drink it slowly and contemplatively on our overwater bungalow balcony.
9:39 – Now it’s time for the first swim of the day with friendly neighborhood dolphin Alphonse! Alphonse and I have a bond that transcends this lowly dimension. He takes me to all the best snorkeling spots and looks the other way when I pee in the ocean. Husband slightly jealous that we spend so much time together.
Aspirational morning
5:59 – Wake up before alarm. Effortless and fiber-rich poop. Drops like magnet attracted to the earth. Clean wipe. Hop in shower.
6:45 – Husband hands me mug of hot black coffee. Has prepared healthy and nutritious breakfast.
7:20 – Kisses me goodbye, puts money and a banana in my pocket. Says, “Is that a banana in your pocket?” I reply, “No, I’m just happy to see you. But, honestly, yeah, there’s a banana in my pocket because you just put it there. Bananas rate a 7 on my fruit scale. Got any apples?” “No, sorry, you’ll have to get one on the way to work.” “Fine, I’ll take the banana.” “Don’t do me any favors.” “No really, it’s okay. I have peanut butter in my desk.” “Okay, bye.” “Love youthanksbyeee.” Maintain eye contact and creepy smile as he slowly closes the door in my face.
7:30 – Am only person on train. Pass all gas before going to work. Tony Robbins says it’s the key to career success.
8:00 – First one in the office. Water all plants, open all windows to let in fresh air. Sun salutations on roof deck. Coffee brewing downstairs.
9:00 – Check all emails and achieve Inbox Zero by 9:30. Spend rest of the day on standing treadmill desk making important decisions for my world-renowned savory pie/furniture restoration company.
Actual morning
5:45 – Husband’s alarm goes off to Kanye West song. Resist urge to dance. Go back to sleep.
6:30 – Own alarm goes off. What the fuck was I thinking? Why does Hana-from-the-night-before think Hana-in-the-morning will be a different person? SNOOZE.
6:38 – Turn off alarm. Set another alarm for (do math in head, humans sleep in 90-minute cycles…) 8:08. Make it 8:10 in case it takes me two minutes to fall back asleep.
8:10 – Ughhhhh Hana-from-92-minutes ago!!! Self-hatred, regrets, and dread. Why didn’t you listen to Hana-from-last-night??? Brush teeth, throw on eyeliner, go to work in pajamas.
9:00 – Arrive at work. Make important decisions about the education of future generations of human beings while pretending to be awake. Self-medicate with unhealthy amounts of caffeine.